Today, I am taking a stand for all of the people who … well … take stands!
I have had it up to here (you can’t see, but I am holding my hand level with some pretty furrowed eyebrows) with passive-aggressive maneuvers. You know, you MUST know, the kind of people who will sneak around your mental office and push all your buttons and some levers marked with “DO NOT TOUCH” signs until you just have to … well, knock down the chair and take a stand! And then they hover idly by with the bluest eyes you have ever seen, and say … “I genuinely do not know what went into you …”. Raise your red right hand if you are with me so far. THANK YOU.
And who gets all the blame? Yes, the one who takes a stand. Who is the bad apple? The one going red in the face in a hurry. Yes, yes, and who can I call? The Kindergarten Cop? The Mythbusters? The Expendables? Well, tonight, I am calling all of YOU, who take stands, who too often fall victim to the antics of the citizens of Meekville.
Here are some of their most common buffoonery (that I have been unlucky enough to encounter on my many travels across the snail-colored plains of Meeklandia) and suggested (however, not at all tested) routes of action you might want to take in order to put the meekvillers back into the queue comically marked “Will inherit the earth”. Please take notice that following any advice presented in this blog may leave you with a bit of a reputation and more than a little uninvited to parties.
THE “YES” THAT REALLY MEANS … I HAVE NO INTENTION OF EVER EVER EVER DOING WHAT YOU JUST ASKED (BUT HERE’S A SMILE FOR YOUR TROUBLES) – one of the most common weapons that will be used against you by the Meekvillers. Prepare yourself: create a milestone and make sure you share it in all/any available social media. Go shamelessly viral. Change your Facebook status to: “I am such a lucky bastard to have a BF/wife/boyfriend/colleague as great as [insert name]! I am so looking forward to [insert task here] next [insert date here]!”. Make sure you spread the love as wide as the optical cable, telephone wires and simple coffee-table conversation will go. Then see what happens.
THE DISCUSSION THAT TURNS INTO … “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CRUEL TO ME … I AM SUCH A DEFENSELESS, CUTE, SMALL FURRY (BEIGE) CREATURE” – yeeees, this is the tricky teary eyed one that presents an interesting challenge! Next time you hit this dramamine, make sure that you have some classical music with strings at hand (preferably in your mobile). Press play, turn up the volume and remain quiet. Stare, lift your eyebrows, do your thing. And then as a final remark: “You really SHOULD win an Oscar for this”. Repeat each and every time as many times as necessary. If possible, record outcome and send to me for peer support.
THE “I DID NOTHING WRONG, YOU JUST MISUNDERSTOOD MY WELL-MEANING and ALL-ROUND PERFECT INTENTIONS” – Okay, first of all, make sure you have your red-vision/iron fist disabled for now. Meekvillers all possess a cloak-of-martyrdom that renders them immune to aggression. Also: remember, Meekvillers have a unique and highly subjective view of the universe, which could be described as a scene with winged unicorns eating daffodils in a perfect sunrise (them being the unicorns, only prettier and less smelly, and with gleaming halos). A suggested reply here could be: “Ah, that IS interesting … what did you say again, I’m sorry”. Repeat as many times as necessary. If possible, record outcome and send to me. This works especially well on the phone, where you can make people repeat things almost indefinitely.
Wondering whether you truly are one of my fellow “take-a-standers” ? There is one sure sign. They say that it is in fact GREAT to have enemies, because that’s really the only way to know if you have ever taken a stand for something you truly believe in. Well, can you name someone who will spit over his/her shoulder whenever your name pops up? If you can, you can collect your team badge at my office.